Footstepps45

Sorry for leaving for so long and not changing that depressing journal entry for so long.

I've recovered somewhat from the tragedy and now have a huge crush on this girl who amazing... which according to my friends is good and healthy for my mind.

Doesn't feel healthy when she invades every thought in my head and is inspiration for most drawings I do nowadays...

God I'm not good with this stuff....
Fucking fuck.  I don't think she'll ever want me.... I'm just a southern girl who most people think is crazy and she's... amazing.

I would like to sincerely apologize for my extended absence.  Some things have happened and I have been unable to be on.
I'll start with the small stuff.
High school is a beotch.  Being a senior, I have to worry about college and finals and friends and family and graduation.  

My art skills also went on perpetual holiday.  But something really awful had to happen for that to occur.  Here goes:

The boy I loved died.  



There. I said it.  No you did not misread that.  Let me explain.  

My friend Charmayne told me that I should not go through life alone after I went on yet another tangent about how much I hate men and dating is stupid and self-torture.  So she decided to find me someone.  And guess what?  She did.  In her good friend Gabereal.  She was absolutely convinced that we were soulmates and she was gonna get us together.  And proceeded to "sell" him to me.

I resisted at first, being the way I am, and pushed any feelings I had for him down.  After a while, though, I couldn't fight them anymore.  The way he was described to me just got to me.  Once I admitted that I liked him, Charmayne set to work.  You see, Gabereal lived in New York and went to school in California at the time so she would Skype him often.  He and I were both worried that the other wouldn't like us and we drew each other things as well.  

He soon fell in love with me.  Even though we never met in person, we were on the same wavelength.  We emailed and sent messages through Charmayne.  He mailed me his lucky guitar pick and jewelry for my prom.  They were gorgeous earrings and butterfly necklace.  Soon enough I fell in love with him too.  I was hard pressed to admit it but I do love him.  He was the only boy to ever tell me he loved me, even if it was in text in an email.

But... Gabereal got an ulcer.  It was so bad that he had to get surgery to get it fixed.  And then get that fixed again because they did a horrible job.  It had gotten infected and his temperature spiked to 108... Then he started getting better. A lot better.  Gabe was sitting up, he was emailing me again.  

But he got really sick again, really fast.  Gabe had another infection that came on fast and the doctors didn't catch it in time.  The infection had spread to his entire body... He was in so much pain and I couldn't  be there for him...
He died from the infection.  Turns out he had a kidney infection back during the first surgery and his kidneys were obviously discolored on the surgery film.  The doctors had outright dismissed it.

THEY FUCKING DISMISSED ANOTHER OBVIOUS INFECTION THAT HE HAD.  ALL IT WOULD HAVE TAKEN TO FIX IT WAS AN IV WITH SOME ANTIBIOTICS.  THE CORONER EVEN SAID SO.  HE WOULD BE ALIVE RIGHT NOW IF THOSE STUPID ASS DOCTORS KNEW WHAT THE HELL THEY WERE DOING.  I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK!?  

I was unable to go to his funeral but he was smiling and was buried with copies of many of the drawings I did of him and I.  

I unfortunately become slightly depressed.  Not enough to merit medication or seeing a therapist but I stopped eating regularly.  I felt sick all the time and just looking at food made me want to hurl most of the time.  I lost 15 pounds in two weeks.  I become slightly despondent and my drawings skills all but stopped working.  For three weeks I was like this.  

Finally, I've started to heal a little.  I'm eating again and my drawings are perking up a bit. Time heals all wounds, I suppose.

[Question!  What do y'all think about me possibly posting some of those drawings I spoke of?  Not right away but soon? ]

  First things first, I apologize for not posting things for the past I dunno, 3 months?  My internet access is severely sporadic and actually getting enough time to actually post something?  A small miracle.  Ever since the "12yr-old bro getting caught with pr0n that gave the main computer major viruses" incident, I haven't been able to get on nearly as much as I used to.  THIS IRKS ME GREATLY.

This weekend, or at least today, I might be able to post because the computer WITH internet at my house will be open tonight, and a little tomorrow.  
DO EXPECT THE FOLLOWING:
-Portal things i.e. GLaDOS, Chell, ChellDOS, etc.  Yes I ship it.  (And no I'm not a lesbian.  Just putting that out there.  People take one look at my sketch books and have asked on more than one occasion, 'Are you a lesbian or something?')  GEEZ SOME PEOPLE.   [EDIT]  I don't have anything against people who are gay, I PROMISE!  Had a second look at this and thought "Man, I really sound like being gay is the worst thing in the world.  Maybe I should elaborate."  I get that asked more often than I'd like and I just wanted to clear it up.  No more, no less.  [EDIT END]
-Random things (but mostly Portal stuff )

RUSSIA HOW I LOVE YOU and FINLAND! If it all plays out, I'll be flying to Finland with my dad then we will take a train to Moscow, then another to St. Petersburg and then one final one back to Finland.  Can't fly right into Russia, I forget why my dad said we couldn't.

We have discovered that our main home computer needs a new network arm, whatever that means, and so since my winter break is drawing to a close, I could be very well gone from DA for weeks.  Money is REALLY tight at my house, and my stepfather is being really unhelpful by being an ass and taking forever to fix our kitchen sink (also broken).  We also have renew our Norton Anti-Virus because of the aforementioned downloads of my two brothers and sister.  Its not just the one sibling (I have 3 of them).  But our neighbor was kind enough to get rid of our viruses for us.  Thank you, Mr. Tim!

I GOT THE ORANGE BOX AND PORTAL 2 FOR CHRISTMAS FROM MY DADDY.  As my name is Caroline as well (but I pronounce it Care-o-line), and have some super-sexay Aperture Science Long-Fall Boot Socks that I wore the entirety of the time of playing, I defeated Portal 1 in under 7 hours, at the most.  I am not sure of a definite time because I stopped for food/tumblr/facebook breaks at my dad's house (can't get on DA there because DA has given his computer 2 viruses in the past so I don't come on there).  I'm now well into Portal 2 but when I last saved I was stuck.  I'm in Old Aperture but haven't found PotatOS yet.  I'm in this place where there are 2 levels landings along a wall that are above brown, poisonous liquid.  There are some doors on the second landing and one of them is partially open, seemingly from a crack in the wall above it.  Parts of the walkways extend out above the fluid and there is an elevator shaft to the left and when I'm standing at the end of the walkway closest to the elevator, I can see some nice, round lights and double doors.  I can't figure out how to move on. I can't get through the partially open door, there aren't any portable surfaces where I need them and I can't jump from the walk way to the bottom of the elevator.  I can't figure it out.  BUT DONT TELL ME.  I want to figure it out my self.  I may not see it because by the time I had reached this point, I had been playing for 4 STRAIGHT HOURS and some of my father's side of the family was watching and that probably made me nervous on top of that.  My brain was probably Portaled-out too.  I'll go back and I'll more than likely see it right off the bat.    

I bought the Portal 2 Collectors Edition Strategy Guide & Art Book yesterday from ThinkGeek.com for only $20!  Its on sale right now!  I'm really excited because apparently it has much more than just game cheats and maps.  Says it comes with bookmarks!

  Dyshidrotic Eczema: a condition in which small, usually itchy blisters develop on the hands and feet.  People are more likely to develop dyshidrotic eczema when:

They are under STRESS

Christmas has stressed me out this year more than ever because I was really worried that all Hell was going to break loose on Christmas morning due to the events that occurred between my mother and stepfather this year.  When my stress culminated at the end of Christmas Day, they started forming.  The following morning they were all over my hands and itched LIKE A BITCH.  For the next couple of days, the blisters itched and itched and ITCHED.  Its really hard not to scratch, and they're ma

I have some good news and some bad news.  

Heres the bad news:  My brother downloaded a bunch of crap off the internet (also was discovered to be going on pr0n sites... I accidentally made that discovery.  Eck.  Not fun.), therefore giving our main home computer 15 VIRUSES!!!!  Upon manifesting themselves, our internet turned itself off and now the modem can't seem to recognize the internet when its plugged in.  So, for an indefinite amount of time, I will be without immediate access to the internet.  The viruses have been taken care of, but I think a new driver needs to be installed.  

I apologize for my lack of DA attendance.  I have been going through withdrawals from here and fanfiction.net but I'm on my stepfather's work computer and am not risking too much right now.  He has Norton 360 but nothing is ever for sure when internet security is involved.  

And shitty scanner is still shitty.  

And now for some good news:  In my internet absence, I have been just going to town on Portal drawings.  Mostly ChellDOS, yes I ship it (though I'm not opposed to WheatDOS either).  I may possibly getting nice art supplies for Christmas so my drawin's might actually be colored for once!  I KNOW, RIGHT?

So when my beloved internet is restored, along with main computer's Norton subscription, I will be able to post again!  
I miss reading on FF.net too.  
MY STORIES COULD BE GETTING UPDATED AND I WOULD HAVE NO IDEA

*sniffles*  I bid you adieu because I don't know when I shall return but until that time occurs, I LOVE YOU ALL!   

Wish me luck because life without the internet just really sucks.